If you are in Portland, I will be doing workshops to alleviate depression in January called Eliminate the Bullshit.  Hope to see you there.  This post was originally sent via my newsletter on November 10th; to get similar content every Tuesday, please subscribe.  

So my food choices this morning: I’ve had yogurt with rasberries, one cup of coffee, a mocha, then two quesadillas, then sushi, then another mocha.

I have a bit of a headache now, but my energy isn’t particularly low.

Food, I’m sure affects my Clinical Depression; but I don’t believe it’s the root cause.  I think when the soul stuff gets lost or completely disappears from your life, there’s an evolutionary mechanism that’s going to send an unbearable warning signal.  I believe we need to feed our souls as much as our bodies which means to me that my yoga must not only make me physically stronger but allow me to roll around and feel all the feelings.  So I guess what I’m saying is the root cause of the flavor of Clinical Depression that I suffer from is: 1. Disconnection from Soul Stuff, 2. Homophobia, and 3. A Deep Desire for Human Connection that is not Happening in the Way I Anticipated It.

I almost did not mention number three, but I actually feel ready to do so.  Because my pills are working and I think it’s becoming actually a big old problem in a society that values individuality like it’s diamonds.

I guess I don’t know how I feel about nutrition.  I know our soil itself has fewer minerals than it used to; that I’d like to grow my own food slowly, over time.  I guess I tell you that nutrition isn’t the answer for me because if we lived in a black or white society (sometimes it really feels like we do) and someone had a gun to my head, and said, 1. Either go in the van with the musicians who only eat fritos and vodka (I would hope first, they would also say, “You do not have to be good…. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves”) Or 2. Go to the vegan-silent-farm-ashram; well, I’d definitely chose the van with the musicians.

We all have our own form of healing, is what I’m attempting to articulate.

I know myself well enough that being at a vegan-silent-farm-ashram if it was my last year to live would be wrong right now.

I’ve heard a lot of, “Well, have you tried these natural supplements.”  “Well, I went gluten free, and then…”  The same feedback that seems twisted around the body of a snake that may or may not be poisonous because it depends on his intention.  The worst part for me is many different people have given their unsolicited opinion about my anti-depressants.  And it’s annoying because I have a disease; and it’s not like I’m taking drugs that make me happy; it’s like the metal-head-rush of negative-scary-thoughts has slowed down to a pace where I can fight back.

And the reason this has sucked is because I feel an immediate need to puff out my chest and defend myself that I don’t think would be required of me if I had a seizure disorder.  Or diabetes.  And also I guess it’s annoying too because I’ve tried exercise; I speak my mind; I volunteer; I talk to homeless people; I have quite brilliant ideas about how to fight the Mind of Depression that I will be sharing with you.  I could get on board with the regular chard vegan wraps if they came with the specific Human Connection That I Need, and that only I can define (as you must also do, define).

And I guess amidst all the laughter and the doubts that I get from people, I know that when a beautiful scientist broke my heart in a way where I thought I wouldn’t get up, I went and danced and it felt like poetry dripping from my arm pits, and I felt alive (and being just alive with poetry dripping from your arm pits is a really, really good feeling), and then after, a very sweet, gentle woman placed her hands on my shoulders and just held them down and let me cry.  And all this happened in a safe space with people I had been building trust with for years.

A mushroom vegan burger topped with kale will never replace that.  Or hold a similar place in my health pyramid.

I guess what I would say if you have a lover or a friend who gives you the cuddles you need or you have that human connection and your soul stuff is on tract, sprinkle some carrots on top please.  Add some parsley.  Blend in with lemon, but if you want to tell me that for one hot minute, my cure is to spend more money on supplements I can’t afford, I’m going to say, bring ‘em to my house, hand ‘em to me for free, and I’ll take them when I see fit, thank you very much.

As for your prescription if you also suffer from Depression, I recommend following your gut.  Maybe you need anti-depressants or maybe really good nutrition is your thing, but I am going to argue that there is a soul element.  The soul must be fed, so please go feed it!  And be kind if you don’t know how your soul wants to be fed yet.

Namaste y’all, until next Tuesday,
Maybe watch my video and promote it on social media (especially if you’re a Portland resident), these workshops start really soon so your help is appreciated.

Renée